Another shade of meaning

If you've been keeping up with this blog, you probably know that I have chosen to have my children naturally and that that has brought some meaning to my labors and birth. I work on a mother/baby unit at the hospita,l though, where the majority of women choose otherwise. These past two weeks, I have really been trying to help meet the needs of all women, no mater what their choices and have really been gratified in doing so. I have found that when I have done this, my experience as a nurse is enhanced. I also feel like the mothers I take care of find a greater satisfaction in the care I give.

I still believe that a natural birth is probably the best way, but I acknowledge that others may feel different and embrace the fact that meaning in childbirth and motherhood can be found in many different ways. I think it is best that while opinions may differ, we respect the choices of others and continue to try our best to serve each other. By doing this we can bring a greater degree of happiness to our own lives as well as to others.

The value of labor

I am questioning today why I value my labor experiences and births. I have people ask me that, and I am never quite sure of the answer. There is just something deep down in my gut that tells me that somehow there is a meaning in this. Part of that comes from my training in hospice. Death is often described as a labor also, and many people are surprised at how difficult it can be. There are stops and starts, questions as to is this really it, then the hard work comes. There is pain, peaks and valleys, struggles, the inability to just let go, stress, anxiety, questions...it is truly labor.

It is a difficult time, yet I have seen the best in people during this time also. People say I love for the first time in years, hands are held, hearts are touch, words are said that needed to be said, great service was given. It was amazing to see.

Back to giving birth...I have experienced similar things. Especially as people have worked to serve me in my pain. My husband and I experienced a different relationship as we worked together to make it through each contraction. Even when I lost a little one at 16 weeks, it strengthened us in way that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. I have also seen it strengthen other women as they have worked their way emotionally through a very difficult process.

Part of my reaction to labor comes from the fact that I see some value in the trials, difficulties, and pain that we go through in life. Not just in labor, but in any trying time. I have seen this happen in my life, but also in many other people's lives. Things that hurt can also make us better people.

Overcoming

The other day, I had about had it. I had five little ones crowded around me begging me for things, a sink full of dishes, laundry, and a house full of tiny little toys all over the place. Very overwhelming day. My stress level just kept building and building. And I'm not sure how to describe my mood, but I really hurt. There was something inside of me that really hurt. I felt pulled down, sad, and unable to cope. It was almost like something had grabbed me and pulled me to the ground in tears. I felt very helpless in the face of this emotion.

As mothers, days like this happen. Normally, I am pretty upbeat and enjoy being with my family. But, there are those days. For whatever reason, we all face those days, I'm sure. As I have thought about this particular day, though, I realized that I have faced pain before. Strange enough, the physical pain I felt during labor, felt similar in intensity to this emotional pain I felt that day. Something clicked with me....I have overcome this pain before....the swell of emotion the exhaustion the utter physical thought of not being able to cope....I have overcome this before. I know that though it is tough, I have the capability of pushing on through the tide.

This has become a wonderful thought to me. Strange as it may seem, it has lifted me up. It has helped me to understand pain and the purpose of pain a little better, even emotional pain. On the days that I struggle I remember that....and I remember in the end I can overcome.

Transformation

My 5 year old loves transformers right now. I remember liking them too when I was little. It was cool how this big old robot could become something in disguise. I was just thinking about this as I thought on this topic--how we too are able to transform.

It has been on my mind lately. I thought back to a class that I had in college on death and dying. My teacher got up the first day and ask us to close our eyes and imagine an image of ourselves looking at us. Full of love and approval. That image has stayed with me except now it has become much more than that. I don't know if I could describe it, but my image that I think on is of someone who is me but has become all I ever could be, with an enormous amount of love for me and those around her. So, much love that it is hard to imagine--and that thought fills me.

It is an image of a perfected me. Yet, that thought doesn't make me run or hide my head in embarrassment. To often the idea of perfection makes us feel hopelessly out of reach, but for some reason, this one doesn't'. Instead I feel full of hope that I will someday become this person. That someday the love she now shows to me, I can give to those around me. Ok, so there are some days when I'm being particularly grouchy and that image stays stuffed in a corner. But, it eventually resurfaces and still loves me and strengthens me.

I figure to become this person will not be easy and it will hurt, it always hurts to change, but in the end I will become the woman I want to become. Becoming a mother has been on that path...I'm not sure I would have understood her love without it, but that's for another post.

A journey of transformation

This is an essay that was e-mailed to me. I have been meaning to share it for sometime, but have wanted to find the right way of adding this on. For right now, I'm just going to share as is. With the thought that as with all things, our journey can come from unexpected places, times, or situations. But it is through these journey's that we become transformed. It is how we find meaning in our lives.

Here is the e-mail I recieved...it is about giving birth at home, but I felt like it could apply to other situations as well.

"I had, shall we say, a "rough" childhood, and went through many trials as a teenager and a young adult. I never had anyone to turn to, or to trust, or even that I felt really cared about me. I ended up being the kind of person that only trusts in herself, and I never learned to trust other people. I am also very emotionally reserved, and I find it hard to be open with and loving towards other people. I struggle with being physically affectionate with even my teenager. But this is changing...

Since I am learning to trust myself physically, I am discovering I am learning to trust myself emotionally. You might say, Wait, you just said you trusted in yourself? Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I believed I only had myself to rely on and I was the only one that could be counted on the give me the truth and to find the answers. I guess that's the part of me that led me to natural birth - I had to find a better way, and I was the only one that could do it. But I never realized that I have been protecting part of me from the rest of the world, and sometimes even myself. In learning to trust my body, I am learning to trust my heart. Okay, that sounds *totally* gay.

But seriously, you are witnessing the transformation of someone from a person who suffered anxiety and depression, had no friends, who was overweight, abused, and lacked self-confidence, to a person who is learning to love herself, and also love others. I am learning how to feel, in many more ways than one. Sometimes it hurts, actually, to feel sad things and feel empathy for other people. But it's a good thing I think.

I feel like I was another person, and I've been slowly changing into someone new, and I feel like that change is becoming more real to me. It's like buying a new pair of shoes - they feel awkward at first, but then one day you realize that they're starting to be comfy."