Guest Post-Rebecca Higginson Adams

As a small girl growing up, I always dreamed of having children of my own and becoming a mother! Isn't that what all (or most) girls dream about?--becoming a mother? Now that I'm older and realizing that having children isn't all that easy, I've had to put more faith and trust in the Lord. Some women don't get the chance to be married. Others have a hard time getting pregnant because of infertility or some other reason. It is so hard not getting what your heart desires most and what you've longed to have all your life! My experience with infertility has made me realize that the Lord's timetable is the best timetable! It's the waiting and the patience that are hard. It's also hard not knowing what the future will hold.

So why am I a mother? ALL women are mothers from the time we were born! We are mothers because of our nature to want to love everyone and care for each other. Although, sometimes I find it strange to call myself a mother because I don't have kids. I sometimes feel as though others who have kids don't trust me with their kids because I don't have kids of my own. (How should I know how to care for kids when I don't have any of my own?) I feel as though some might worry that I'm trying to take over their role as mother for their children if I babysit or spend time with their kids. These are reasons why I don't think of myself as a mother, but I know that I AM a mother! I'm a mother in the sense that I love and care for everyone around me. When I'm with my nephews and my niece, I try my best to protect them and make sure no harm comes to them. When I spend time with them, I'm not trying to take over the role of being their mom, but at the same time, I am being a mother to them. I'm like a second mother to them in that I love them and care about them and help lead them in the right ways.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (If you want to learn more about this church, you can visit us HERE or HERE.) Being a member of this church has helped me so much through this trial of infertility. I don't know what I would do without the spirituality and the Lord in my life! I would be so lost and sad all the time because of this infertility. It really is hard to go through life not being able to have kids when you really want to have kids. It's especially hard seeing other women around me having baby after baby after baby, year after year after year. I always wonder, 'Why them and not me? Am I doing something wrong in my life to not get the blessing of children?' I know children are a blessing. I hear it quite often. My church focuses on families. So I must be doing something wrong in my life if I'm not getting what the church focuses so much on, right? Wrong.

The Lord knows our lives. He knows our lives better than we do! We need to let Him into our lives to help comfort us and strengthen us. Even though it may seem like everyone else has life so easy, we ALL experience trials of some kind. We are all given different trials to help us grow and become stronger people. One thing I constantly have to tell myself is that the Lord will never give me any trial for longer than I can handle, so I must have the strength in me to get through this trial of infertility! It's been about 5 years so far, and the Lord only knows how much longer I will have to experience this trial, but I know that it's for my learning and growth!

Speaking of church, in my church we are all given different callings. These callings come from the Lord. I know the Lord knows me. He knows that I love children! I know that He knows me because for the past 3 1/2 years, I've had the calling of being in the nursery. The nursery consists of small children, ages 18 months to 3 years old. I don't know what I would do each week without that interaction with those small children. They are so cute! Since I'm not able to have children of my own at the moment, and since my husband and I live a little too far away from our nephews and niece to see them very often, I'm grateful for my calling as a nursery leader in my church! It's been a blessing in my life! I love getting the experience to 'mother' the small children in the nursery.

I have a wonderful husband who supports me through this hard time in our lives! I know that he knows how much I really want to have a baby! He comforts me when I'm sad and does all he can to make me happy. I'm grateful for him in my life! Going through this trial of infertility really has strengthened our relationship and has helped us grow closer. We're doing all we can to figure out what we can do to increase our chances of having a baby, but deep down I really know that things happen for a reason and when the time is right. We have had to put more trust in the Lord's plan for us and let Him lead our lives. We just need to keep following Him and have faith that things will work out! If we can't have kids of our own, I know we have the option of adopting children. I know adoption is a blessing to those who can't have kids. It's also a blessing for the child being adopted because they are able to grow up in a good home with a loving father and mother to care for them and love them.

So... even though I don't have kids of my own yet, I am happy to say that I AM a mother! :)

The strength that is ours

"MY MOM IS THE STRONGEST HUMAN BEING THAT I KNOW!"

This was written on a blog from a friend of mine. Her mom is currently being treated for cancer. It made me think of all the strong moms I've been privileged to know in my life. I find it interesting that throughout history women have been portrayed as the weaker sex. I suppose strength wise they are but that is such a small part of strength. Mothers in particular have an incredible amount of strength when it comes to defending and protecting their families. I don't even know how many times my own mother has reared up to protect her own:)

I remember a lady I took care of as she was having her baby. Afterwards she looked at her baby and her husband and in reverent tones declared..."look what we have done". And another beautiful family had begun. I think of my grandma as she was dying. She was so calm and peaceful and giving encouragement to all those around her. My dad said she knew how to die. Their is a story in my religion of a woman whose oxen became sick as she was crossing the plains. They refused to move anymore. But she would not give up hope. She knelt...said a prayer...and pulled those oxen to their feet to continue on.

I've seen women who are terrified of c-sections choose to have a necessary one. I've seen women choose to work through labor without drugs because they feel that is what is best for their child. Among my own friends I've seen great trials overcome. Tears split and heartaches felt. Yet they endure. Not just endure...they flourish. They serve. They bring hope. They kiss away tears. And bring joy to one of the most cherished of all...a little child. I honor the women in my life...I honor my friends. I honor those who experience heartache disease or pain. For these are my examples that I build my own life upon. We are all stronger than we think.

Peace on earth begins at birth

"At Jesus' birth there was a midwife; of this, I'm very sure,
A tired woman left her bed to help His mother, so young, so poor.
The midwife held the mother's hand, gave quiet words of praise,
Used her hands, her heart, her skills - all her practiced ways.

The midwife shared the mother's joy in the miracle she bore,
Helped her bathe Him, feed Him, care for Him, taught her mother lore.
She helped her with the swaddling clothes and put Him in the manger,
Helped her rest, regain her strength - but never as a stranger.

The Bible does not tell of this, as we are all aware.
It was understood in that day and time a woman would be there .
A dedicated person always responsive to the need...
No matter the hour, the mother's status - to care, her creed.

Jesus had a midwife, a woman helped His mother...
His birth an event so human and yet divinely other.
The midwife chose to answer the call, helping other women,
Attending at births - her vocation, her place in God's dominion"

The title of this post was from the birth center I had two of my children in, in Tucson, AZ. I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. The poem, I got from someone on Facebook. Many gifts were given that night to the Christ child, including those not mentioned much. We don't know if there was another woman there to attend to Mary(I would assume there was, but I'm not a history major), but both Mary and Joseph gave of themselves on this night. And in my personal belief, Christ continues to give to and love all of us.

Here is a neat link I found about Jewish midwifes in the Bible. http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/461823/jewish/Midwives.htm

I wish all a Merry Christmas, peaceful and loving births, and a hope that we all can share love which we receive at birth with others around us through our lives....as Christ has and does.

Motherhood and love

I took a bath today for the first time since I was laboring with the last of my children. As I sat there I recalled memories of my labors and soaking in the water to help relieve the pain. I realized that I consider my labors to be a blessing. Mostly because the pain and the trials and the comfort and the prayers are all mixed up in my mind with the joy and happiness of being a mother.

I think not only of the trials of birth, but the trials of motherhood also. Will I look back on this time also with feelings of satisfaction and joy? Even in the midst of difficulties and pain....I feel the love I have for my children and I am a peace.

I have heard of some women who resent their children for bringing upon them the pains of labor. And I feel sorry that such a joyous moment could be harrowed by such a sad thought. For them, I wish they did have the epidural. Or something that could help them feel the peace and joy I have felt. For me though, the pains of labor have taught me love. Or maybe it's love that allowed the pains of labor to become meaningful. Either way, as I sit and contemplate, I am once again filled with love for my children and the desire to be the best mother I can.

Soul searching

Some of the times I remember the most during my labors, is when I would start to feel lost, and my husband would look at me and pull me back in. I know he's told me he doesn't remember those times:). For some reason, though, they have always meant a lot to me. That and when a nurse I had one time, held my hand. It's funny the little things you remember. It's moments like these that I cherish about birth. I wonder if I would have thought much about it had I not gone through labor. It also makes me wonder if we were a little bit more aware of others and their own personal pain, could a simple hug or nod of encouragement mean something to them also. If we looked in their eyes would we see their need.....

As mothers, I wonder if we could do this more with our own spouses and children. How often do we take the time to search their souls to see what they truly need.

In memory of the generations of mothers

I often am at awe when I think about women in my past who have had the strength and love to bring forth life into this world.  I wonder how many women now a days would have that same strength and love if they had to go through what they did.  So, on this day I honor, not only my own mother, but the many mothers who have come before...who have struggled through trials, who have loved and cried.  I honor those who found great joy at the end of their journey, and great peace as they moved with dignity through this life....I honor their choice to become mothers.  Because that in and of itself is something to be honored.

I also wanted to direct you to another blog where I talk about fear, love, and motherhood...

http://www.crazibeautiful.com/GirlfriendToGirlfriend/ExpertHome.aspx?id=49

The worth of our children

This blog has been good for me. I have enjoyed contemplating my birth and mothering experiences, but the most notable benefit for me has been how I view my children. I have had to reflect on how I see myself, my children, and my role as a mother. I have thought deeply about why I choose to experience pain, and the difficulties of childbirth and motherhood. People have often asked me why in the world I would make these choices...and now I feel like I have found a reason and some meaning.

I'm watching my children now as they are enjoying the view of a cement truck in our backyard. I would not choose to give up the pains and difficulties I've experienced if it meant not having them here. I find so much joy in them.

Women had much harder choices to make when they had children 100 years ago. They faced death and heartache a lot more than we do now. That would be really hard to find meaning in. There must just be something with these little ones of ours that make it worth while. That's something to really think about...

Defining Motherhood

"Motherhood is giving up the selfish part of ones being so love and knowledge can flow from Mother to child unhindered."*

This was an answer to a question I posted on my facebook group about the defination of a mother.  I have found so often that all a mother is defined as, is one who gives birth to a child. That bugged me.  It's not only that, and it's not even that sometimes.  But I loved this definition of motherhood posted by a friend, and I love the idea it brings in.  

As mothers we give up things, quite a bit.  It seems to me that pregnancy and birth is just the beginning of that journey.  We are pretty much forced to give up many things at this time...looks, comfort, our idea of who we are.  Of course during labor we give up many of those same things, whether it's natural or not.  This is were it starts, this is the beginning of our testing ground or should I say molding ground.  

Of course labor and birth don't have to be experienced to start this process.  I think of couples I know who can't have children.  What kind of molding is going on with them?  What kind of tests are they facing of their own that chips off those selfish ideas within us?  The same goes for those who are trying to adopt.  The fact is, all these things start the process of ridding ourselves of selfish thoughts or desires.  I think it is really up to us to utilize these times to become the mothers we can become.  

I think most people will tell you that by successfully navagating these waters, they have developed love and knowledge which can then be passed down to our children.  Yes, even the pains and difficulties of labor can develop these virtues.  

Of course this is just the beginning.  We continue throughout motherhood to develop these ideals and pass them on to our children.  And hopefully at the end of it all, our love and knowlege will help to define their own love and knowledge in a path that never ends.

*You can find this quote at http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=43960909365&topic=6952

Strength

When I have told people that I give birth without an epidural, I often hear the comment ,"Wow, you must be strong", or "oh, I'm not that strong", and this has lead me to contemplate what strength really is. When I think of strong people, I think of people who have had to make difficult decisions. People who choose to go a certain direction, or act a certain way in the face of great hardships to achieve a greater outcome.

In truth, I don't feel like I am much stronger than any other women giving birth. Pregnancy, giving birth, and motherhood all are difficult decisions that require great physical and mental sacrifice. Yet I think most mothers would agree, that these sacrifices are worth it. The decision to become a mother, requires great strength. For me experiencing labor has sent me on a journey of self discovery and truth that I have come to value. So much so that, yes, I choose to experience that pain. But through that pain I have gained understanding. So my strength does not necessarily come from being able to withstand pain, but valuing the experience and understanding what I gain from that. Our strength as mothers could be the same.

Change

I don't know too many moms who don't feel guilty about how they are mothering. The problem is, we do make mistakes. It's hard to get over that and feel like you haven't completely destroyed your child's life. It starts as early as pregnancy. Am I eating right? I can't quit smoking. Should I exercise? Am I exercising too much? It just goes on...should I get an epidural? milk or formula? How do I discipline a screaming 4 year old? Is is right to keep my teenager locked up in her room:)? We all have to go through some big decisions. Yet I find hope in the fact that even if I make mistakes, I can change. That while I must face bad decisions have previously made, I can improve.

There is an amazing thing to me about the infants circulation. In utero, the circulation to the lungs is mainly bypassed. There is no need for the lungs to oxygenate the body at this time. There are ducts and holes in the heart to make this possible. After birth the pressures of the birthing process and the first breath of air, change all that. It literally is quite a miracle to me how the circulation then changes to begin the process of oxygenating the body away from the mother. That the pressures and change in environment and bring about such great changes in the baby serves as a teaching point for me. Just as a baby is born with the necessary functions needed to change their heart. So are we.

Improvement and change is at the core of who we are as human beings. As mothers we need to recognize this. Remember the amazing process we went through at birth and that we can continue that same process. Mistakes will be made, but they need not hinder us from improving ourselves as women and mothers.

Begin at the beginning

I love being a mom.

I had never thought about it until I had my own children who are now 7, 5, 3, almost 2, and 7 weeks. What really surprised me, though, was my reaction to labor. It hurt, yes, I expected that. What I didn't expect was how much that experience would mean to me. It has been something that has stuck with me. So much so that I am now working on becoming a doula. Which leads to this blog. I wanted something to organize my thoughts and share what I have learned about being a woman and a mom specifically from my labor.

So here is the beginning of my journey...