Anger-a normal yet trying stage of grief

When my daughter had an anger fit, I had her read up on anger management.  It was a good article and you can find it here.  It got me thinking again about grief after a traumatic birth and the role anger plays in that.  Anger is also a normal feeling to have after something traumatic has happened.  What I often tell my kids, though, is that anger is an emotion that can tell us that something is wrong that we need to deal with.  We need to figure out what that something is and work on dealing with it, or anger can quickly get out of control and become destructive.

Part of the problem with anger, is that we often become overcome by the emotion without really dealing with what is causing the emotion.  Often our anger becomes misdirected to someone or something that really does not have anything to do with why we are angry in the first place.  Often times we become angry because we have been hurt.  Instead of dealing with what hurt us, our focus then shifts to hurting or making others feel pain also.  The trick comes with acknowledging the emotion and that something bad happened, and then focusing on figuring out what is really hurting you and moving on from there.

Here is a list of reasons we may feel anger:

We feel we have been treated unfairly.
We want to get our own way.
We misunderstand.

The good thing is that we can learn to control how we deal with our anger.

One way is by talking about why we are angry with the person we are angry at in a way that is non confrontational.  I have seen some women write letters or discuss with physicians their reasons for feeling hurt.  This appears to have helped them, even if the physician disagrees.  Many care providers have no clue that they have offended someone by their behaviors or that what they have done has caused such grief.  By talking to them, you can help them understand that there may be something that they need to change.

Waiting to take any action may also be appropriate until emotions have cooled.  At least give yourself sometime to think through your emotions and what is causing them before you make accusations or discuss difficulties with others.

Activity can be a good way of working off anger and also being productive.  I have found many women work through their anger by giving to other woman and providing information and help for their labors.  Turning your anger into something more productive is always a good idea.

Being able to forgive is a key idea also.  This can be very hard to do.  The way I teach my kids about this, is by telling them that by staying angry, you are hurting no one but yourself.  The person that hurt you is not getting hurt, and anger just serves to bring us stress and resentment.  By forgiving, we are not saying that what happened is ok.  We are saying that we are no longer going to allow a certain person or situation harm us any longer.

Anger really is a normal emotion to feel during a traumatic event, but it needs to be dealt with and passed on.  Give yourself time to do this.  Don't feel bad if it is hard to move on, or that it is hard to forgive.  These things are always hard.  The important thing is that you remember that anger is an indication that something is wrong and as long as you are working on dealing with it, you are headed in the right direction.

References:
http://lds.org/manual/preparing-for-exaltation-teachers-manual/lesson-25-controlling-our-anger?lang=eng&query=anger
http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx

Denial-an important part of grief after a difficult birth

"Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle."


The loss of the expected birth plan, or feelings of being violated are often  a part of birth.  Most of the time, women will try and forget the experience they had or push it aside for awhile.  Sometimes this is done because women are not expected to grieve if their baby is born healthy and fine.  After a baby is born, women are expected to be happy, so often their feelings of loss are shoved to the side.

While I don't like how our culture is unaccepting of the feelings of loss after birth, I really like this quote that talks about why it's ok to go through this stage of grief.  Denial is a way for us to digest the loss a little bit at a time.  It allows women to adjust to being a mom before she has to deal with the loss.  Sometimes it takes a while to truly digest it.  That said, this is not a stage you should stay stuck in.  For those that may need more help, here's a great site:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14731-dealing-with-denial/

"How can we confront denial in ourselves?
We can confront denial by:
* Asking ourselves honestly why we are in denial.
* Asking ourselves what are the benefits to be gained by our denial.
* Asking ourselves what is too painful to face.
* Recognizing when we are caught up in magical or fantasy thinking about our problem or loss.
* Recognizing the negative consequences that result from our denial behavior.
* Not allowing ourselves to fall back into a safe emotional zone, but to keep our emotional response open and honest.
* Recognizing when we are hiding behind a "nice" mask when discussing our loss or problems.
* Allowing ourselves to express negative or embarrassing emotions as we confront our problems (e.g., crying, feeling lost, feeling confused or feeling scared).
* Allowing ourselves to admit to being out of control.
* Trusting others to help us with our problem.
* Admitting our vulnerability and our need for assistance.
* Risking the loss of acceptance or approval by those who may be unable to handle our open, honest admission of our problem.
* Recognizing the negative behavior scripts that impede our ability to deal openly with problems.
* Recognizing that it is human to have problems and to experience loss; it is not a sign of our lack of value or worth.
* Refuting the irrational beliefs that block our acceptance of the loss or problems.
* Asking others to not allow us to deny or avoid the truth about our loss or problems.
* Recognizing that denial is a natural stage in the loss/grief response.
* Maintaining our sense of perspective, allowing ourselves to go through the problems as a growth experience.
* Believing that out of failure comes success; accepting the failure as a chance for personal growth.
* Accepting the help of others in the aftermath of our loss."

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14731-dealing-with-denial/#ixzz1QMFjIBW0

What do women grief for after birth?

I just wanted to add a quick idea of what people grieve for after a birth before we talk about the actual stages of grief.  When women first are pregnant, a plan or idea of how they expect the birth to go begins to develop.  If things don't go as expected, or if a woman feels like her control has been taken away, there is often some degree of loss.  This can happen even though the birth looked fairly "normal" from the outside. 

Things that woman may grief for:  loss of their own sense of control, the experience wasn't what they expected, wishing that they had done something different, wishing they had handled the pain differently, more interventions than they had originally intended, less interventions than they had originally intended, the feeling that they could have done something different to make it better, the feeling that the medical professionals should have done something different.  The list could go on and on.

My point in mentioning this is to show that women can grief for so many things, and that it is OK.  When something does not go as planned, or we have some control stripped from us, it is natural to grief what we have lost.