As a small girl growing up, I always dreamed of having children of my own and becoming a mother! Isn't that what all (or most) girls dream about?--becoming a mother? Now that I'm older and realizing that having children isn't all that easy, I've had to put more faith and trust in the Lord. Some women don't get the chance to be married. Others have a hard time getting pregnant because of infertility or some other reason. It is so hard not getting what your heart desires most and what you've longed to have all your life! My experience with infertility has made me realize that the Lord's timetable is the best timetable! It's the waiting and the patience that are hard. It's also hard not knowing what the future will hold.
So why am I a mother? ALL women are mothers from the time we were born! We are mothers because of our nature to want to love everyone and care for each other. Although, sometimes I find it strange to call myself a mother because I don't have kids. I sometimes feel as though others who have kids don't trust me with their kids because I don't have kids of my own. (How should I know how to care for kids when I don't have any of my own?) I feel as though some might worry that I'm trying to take over their role as mother for their children if I babysit or spend time with their kids. These are reasons why I don't think of myself as a mother, but I know that I AM a mother! I'm a mother in the sense that I love and care for everyone around me. When I'm with my nephews and my niece, I try my best to protect them and make sure no harm comes to them. When I spend time with them, I'm not trying to take over the role of being their mom, but at the same time, I am being a mother to them. I'm like a second mother to them in that I love them and care about them and help lead them in the right ways.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (If you want to learn more about this church, you can visit us HERE or HERE.) Being a member of this church has helped me so much through this trial of infertility. I don't know what I would do without the spirituality and the Lord in my life! I would be so lost and sad all the time because of this infertility. It really is hard to go through life not being able to have kids when you really want to have kids. It's especially hard seeing other women around me having baby after baby after baby, year after year after year. I always wonder, 'Why them and not me? Am I doing something wrong in my life to not get the blessing of children?' I know children are a blessing. I hear it quite often. My church focuses on families. So I must be doing something wrong in my life if I'm not getting what the church focuses so much on, right? Wrong.
The Lord knows our lives. He knows our lives better than we do! We need to let Him into our lives to help comfort us and strengthen us. Even though it may seem like everyone else has life so easy, we ALL experience trials of some kind. We are all given different trials to help us grow and become stronger people. One thing I constantly have to tell myself is that the Lord will never give me any trial for longer than I can handle, so I must have the strength in me to get through this trial of infertility! It's been about 5 years so far, and the Lord only knows how much longer I will have to experience this trial, but I know that it's for my learning and growth!
Speaking of church, in my church we are all given different callings. These callings come from the Lord. I know the Lord knows me. He knows that I love children! I know that He knows me because for the past 3 1/2 years, I've had the calling of being in the nursery. The nursery consists of small children, ages 18 months to 3 years old. I don't know what I would do each week without that interaction with those small children. They are so cute! Since I'm not able to have children of my own at the moment, and since my husband and I live a little too far away from our nephews and niece to see them very often, I'm grateful for my calling as a nursery leader in my church! It's been a blessing in my life! I love getting the experience to 'mother' the small children in the nursery.
I have a wonderful husband who supports me through this hard time in our lives! I know that he knows how much I really want to have a baby! He comforts me when I'm sad and does all he can to make me happy. I'm grateful for him in my life! Going through this trial of infertility really has strengthened our relationship and has helped us grow closer. We're doing all we can to figure out what we can do to increase our chances of having a baby, but deep down I really know that things happen for a reason and when the time is right. We have had to put more trust in the Lord's plan for us and let Him lead our lives. We just need to keep following Him and have faith that things will work out! If we can't have kids of our own, I know we have the option of adopting children. I know adoption is a blessing to those who can't have kids. It's also a blessing for the child being adopted because they are able to grow up in a good home with a loving father and mother to care for them and love them.
So... even though I don't have kids of my own yet, I am happy to say that I AM a mother! :)