Finding your own breathe

As humans, we like to be in control. We like to have control over what we do and think. And this certainly plays a huge part in how women experience labor and birth. But when we are supporting women in labor, us being in control needs to become secondary to the laboring woman's sense of control. Sometimes, we need to be more direct and help them find that control, other times we need to step back and let the woman find it herself. The trick is knowing when to do what. And that is something that takes time and dedication to figure out.

I had a patient one time that was having a hard time coping(she wanted an epidural but couldn't have one at the time). Towards the end she was closing her eyes tightly and holding on to the bed. She had a few tears earlier also. I was trying to get her to breathe with me to help her relax. She was tense and had her eyes clenched tight, and to me it seemed like she needed more help to get her through this time. So I would count and breathe and tell her how to relax. But it didn't seem to be doing much.

Afterwards it occured to me that perhaps I should have been paying more attention to her own breathing pattern and maybe match it. I wondered if I was actually making it more difficult for her to cope by insisting she breathe a certain way. Now if I am ever in the same situation I will pay closer attention to my clients own breathing patterns...and perhaps use those as a way to help her cope. Often times this is what is really needed. Women need to find their own way to breathe.

What really struck me this morning about this thought, was how that is true in many walks of life. I was particularly thinking about this with my daughter, who is wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, but very headstrong. When we push her, she pushes back. It occurred to me that maybe I need to step back and watch how she is breathing. What makes her calm? What makes her tense? How can I match her breathe so that we can come out in the end better and stronger people? I'm not sure I have answers, but it did give me pause to think....sometimes part of what we do as guides is to help others find their own breathe.

Family and Birth

I love the idea of birth begin the beginning of a family. It's not just a mom and a baby. It's not even just the creation of a one new life. It is really the creation of a unit, of intertwining lives and relationships.

As such, I've thought a little bit about children being present at births and the impact that may or may not have on them. I've never had any of my children present, but I have seen some births where they are, and I have found them a little bit more special for that family.

At one, the children where cheering for their mom and counting as she pushed her baby out. It added a sense of excitement and thrill for them. At another, a little three year old just watched as their new baby came into this world. At neither of these was there fear, or disgust with the whole presess. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I felt like having the children there added to the sense of awe about it all.

Birth used to be a part of life for families. It was sort of pulled out of our lives as births moved into the hospital. I'm not quite sure that all children should be a part of birth or that it is the best thing for everyone to do, but I kind of mourn the loss of that as a part of normal life. Birth really is a miracle, and children, with all their innocence, have added to that sense of miracle at the births I have seen them at.

Motherhood and love

I took a bath today for the first time since I was laboring with the last of my children. As I sat there I recalled memories of my labors and soaking in the water to help relieve the pain. I realized that I consider my labors to be a blessing. Mostly because the pain and the trials and the comfort and the prayers are all mixed up in my mind with the joy and happiness of being a mother.

I think not only of the trials of birth, but the trials of motherhood also. Will I look back on this time also with feelings of satisfaction and joy? Even in the midst of difficulties and pain....I feel the love I have for my children and I am a peace.

I have heard of some women who resent their children for bringing upon them the pains of labor. And I feel sorry that such a joyous moment could be harrowed by such a sad thought. For them, I wish they did have the epidural. Or something that could help them feel the peace and joy I have felt. For me though, the pains of labor have taught me love. Or maybe it's love that allowed the pains of labor to become meaningful. Either way, as I sit and contemplate, I am once again filled with love for my children and the desire to be the best mother I can.

Soul searching

Some of the times I remember the most during my labors, is when I would start to feel lost, and my husband would look at me and pull me back in. I know he's told me he doesn't remember those times:). For some reason, though, they have always meant a lot to me. That and when a nurse I had one time, held my hand. It's funny the little things you remember. It's moments like these that I cherish about birth. I wonder if I would have thought much about it had I not gone through labor. It also makes me wonder if we were a little bit more aware of others and their own personal pain, could a simple hug or nod of encouragement mean something to them also. If we looked in their eyes would we see their need.....

As mothers, I wonder if we could do this more with our own spouses and children. How often do we take the time to search their souls to see what they truly need.

The worth of our children

This blog has been good for me. I have enjoyed contemplating my birth and mothering experiences, but the most notable benefit for me has been how I view my children. I have had to reflect on how I see myself, my children, and my role as a mother. I have thought deeply about why I choose to experience pain, and the difficulties of childbirth and motherhood. People have often asked me why in the world I would make these choices...and now I feel like I have found a reason and some meaning.

I'm watching my children now as they are enjoying the view of a cement truck in our backyard. I would not choose to give up the pains and difficulties I've experienced if it meant not having them here. I find so much joy in them.

Women had much harder choices to make when they had children 100 years ago. They faced death and heartache a lot more than we do now. That would be really hard to find meaning in. There must just be something with these little ones of ours that make it worth while. That's something to really think about...

Defining Motherhood

"Motherhood is giving up the selfish part of ones being so love and knowledge can flow from Mother to child unhindered."*

This was an answer to a question I posted on my facebook group about the defination of a mother.  I have found so often that all a mother is defined as, is one who gives birth to a child. That bugged me.  It's not only that, and it's not even that sometimes.  But I loved this definition of motherhood posted by a friend, and I love the idea it brings in.  

As mothers we give up things, quite a bit.  It seems to me that pregnancy and birth is just the beginning of that journey.  We are pretty much forced to give up many things at this time...looks, comfort, our idea of who we are.  Of course during labor we give up many of those same things, whether it's natural or not.  This is were it starts, this is the beginning of our testing ground or should I say molding ground.  

Of course labor and birth don't have to be experienced to start this process.  I think of couples I know who can't have children.  What kind of molding is going on with them?  What kind of tests are they facing of their own that chips off those selfish ideas within us?  The same goes for those who are trying to adopt.  The fact is, all these things start the process of ridding ourselves of selfish thoughts or desires.  I think it is really up to us to utilize these times to become the mothers we can become.  

I think most people will tell you that by successfully navagating these waters, they have developed love and knowledge which can then be passed down to our children.  Yes, even the pains and difficulties of labor can develop these virtues.  

Of course this is just the beginning.  We continue throughout motherhood to develop these ideals and pass them on to our children.  And hopefully at the end of it all, our love and knowlege will help to define their own love and knowledge in a path that never ends.

*You can find this quote at http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=43960909365&topic=6952

Joy and Pain

Ok so what word comes to mind when you think of labor? Most people would say pain. It's true it is painful. But I often ponder on the outcome of all that pain. An incredible, indescribable joy as you get your first look at the beautiful child that has been a part of you for nine months. Why is it that those two words are so often connected? In my experience, true joy has it's share of pain with it.

My first glimpse of this concept actually came when I had a miscarriage. I was 16 weeks along. We had already heard the heartbeat and the idea of having another little one with me (I had already had two at the time), was just started to spark within me. So it hurt, badly, when I miscarried. Very badly. Lots of questions came to my mind. But I also felt a happiness and awe for the children that I already had. I had never looked at them as being such a miracle until I knew that I could have lost them. And my love for them deepened and grew beyond what it would have if I had not had the miscarriage.

Does pain in labor add the same kind of depth? I don't know. Even for those who have epidural, there is a lot of hard work, fear and just plain exhaustion that goes into receiving our little ones into this world. So, is there a connection between our pain and our joy? I think there may be.