Childbirth choices-what good decision did you make?

"S: You said you were not a self caretaker – can you think back and think of one moment when you were?
me: (thoughtful) – well…I guess the only time I can think of is when I asked my midwife to break my water. I needed it to be over and I knew that breaking my water would at least make it go faster.
S: Yes. That took a lot of courage.
me: I process this statement – courage? is that true for me? I think back…
me: yeah, it did take a lot of courage. the labor pain was so intense I was fearful – so it did take a lot of courage to ask for my water to be broken knowing that it would increase that pain. Craig had told me to ask her to break my water earlier but I knew I couldn’t do it at that point because I was so afraid.
me: peace floods my being. I did have a moment of being a warrior – even if fleeting.

That moment took less than 5 minutes but it changed me. The feelings of regret, sadness, only feeling lucky…gone. I KNOW that in each of my birth experiences I had a warrior moment. I accept that I am human who makes mistakes, takes my body for granted and can have unspoken expectations of others that can lead to disappointment…I am human. I am a courageous human who believed in her body, who did most of the right things and needed all of my experiences to make me a loving, caring and understanding doula."

http://naturalmomlovesprada.com/?p=620


I loved this experience of this mom.  In labor, there are many times when we feel fearful or that we did something wrong.  There are times when we feel we caved, or behaved badly.  Questions often filter through women's minds, "Was I too noisy", "Why did I say I would do that", "if only I had done this".  Often times we look back and think of everything we wish we did or could have done.   


I would love for every women to think of one moment in her birth where she felt she did something right.  It may have been a certain position you decided to choose.  It may have been a moment when you understood what it was you needed to do.  It may have been saying no to an intervention.  It may have been saying yes when you had originally intended not to have anything.  What ever it is, I think it's important that we find these moments these are "our" moments.  These are the moments that help us understand who we are and who we can become.

Letting go

http://www.theunnecesarean.com/blog/2010/10/20/baggage-check.html

I read this post, and it really summed up what labor is like for many women. What happens many times during labor, is that we have this perfect image of what it is supposed to be and how things will play out. But like many things in life, labor doesn't always go as planned. Even if it's just the fact that you didn't get the epidural right when you wanted it. Interestingly enough, most research shows that it's not the amount of pain a woman experiences that determines how you feel about a birth, but how much control you feel. But sometimes labor is uncontrollable.

Here's the almost almost nonsensical thing about labor and birth. Yes, you need to have as much control as you can, but you also have to learn to give up control. It's interesting, but by giving up control(to your body, to the fact that your baby really does need resuscitation help, to allowing the contractions to role through you), you are really allowing yourself more control. Does that make sense?:) Sort of.

I read in a book about different women's birthing experiences and how they perceived them. With two different women, they both were pressured to have iv's in labor. One fought it and got what she wanted but she perceived her experience as being negative. The other knew that she would have to fight and choose at that time that it wasn't worth it and let them give her an iv. She perceived her experience as being positive. So who gave up control in these situations and was it worth it or not. That's really not for me to decide, but I thought it was interesting.

Another example from my own labors: When I fight contractions, they hurt more. But there is an innate desire to be in control of them. To conquer them, to take charge of your body. So when I try and control those contractions, I have more pain. When I take a step back and allow my body to just do what it needs to do...in a sense giving up my desire to control it, it is less painful and more fulfilling. When I accept the pain as just being, that pain decreases. So by allowing myself to give up control...I become more in control? Sounds funny, but true.

This happens in so many walks of life. There are so many instances when I can say that I am more peaceful, more fulfilled and happier when I allow myself to let go. For instance, the other night I was upset with myself for something I said to my daughter. I wanted to make it better, amend my wrongs and apologize. But, it was 11pm...she was sound asleep. So I sat and stewed for a while. I couldn't let it go...I needed control and to see it through. I slept horribly that night. If I had been able to let go of what I couldn't control, I would have had a much better night, and things would have still turned out the same(I was able to talk to her the next day).

Now I would never try and judge another's situation and whether or not they should let something go...that's a very personal issue, but I do think there is a value in letting go of things. And as odd as it sounds, peace really is gained sometimes when we are able to let go of control.

Enjoying the small things

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

I'm on a role today, but I've found another amazing birth story. It certainly made me cry:)

Birth Stories

As part of these birthing classes I am putting together, I want to have a day set aside to honor the woman who is becoming a mother. During this class I would love to be able to share positive birth stories that help uplift and inspire. As such, I would love if anyone would like to contribute to this. I have a few questions that I would like for anyone to answer. They are questions that are posed by Pan England in Birthing From Within.

1. What helped you most when you gave birth?

2. What was your spiritual experience of giving birth?

3. Is there anything you would do differently?

4. What do you wish you had known before hand?

5. If you could do it over again, what do you wish you could do the same?

You could answer one of these or all.

Birth preparation

I have finally decided, after all my blogging, what I feel birth preparation should entail.  There are three aspects that I feel really need to be included..the spirtual, the emotional, and the physical.  The physical part is so important to understand, but I feel like so often that is it is the only thing we learn.  We think so much about what happens to us physically (i.e. the pain, the dilation, how that baby actually gets here, safety of both mom and baby), that we forget about the other two equally important factors.  And I feel it's sad that so often these other elements are missing from our modern births.  I really think this has more to do with how we view birth rather than what kind of birth we actually have.

I also feel like it is important to recoginize this time as a time of transition and transformation.  Not only of a mother, but of a family unit.  I remember after I had my third child, they handed him to me while the cord was still attatched.  I was a little awed at that, thinking that that was what was connecting me to him.  Then it was cut, and I felt myself having to acknowledge that seperation.  I think this was a time when I felt that transformation more keenly than at any other time.  It serves as a reminder to me of our connections to our children and the constantly changing nature that they are. 

Defining Motherhood

"Motherhood is giving up the selfish part of ones being so love and knowledge can flow from Mother to child unhindered."*

This was an answer to a question I posted on my facebook group about the defination of a mother.  I have found so often that all a mother is defined as, is one who gives birth to a child. That bugged me.  It's not only that, and it's not even that sometimes.  But I loved this definition of motherhood posted by a friend, and I love the idea it brings in.  

As mothers we give up things, quite a bit.  It seems to me that pregnancy and birth is just the beginning of that journey.  We are pretty much forced to give up many things at this time...looks, comfort, our idea of who we are.  Of course during labor we give up many of those same things, whether it's natural or not.  This is were it starts, this is the beginning of our testing ground or should I say molding ground.  

Of course labor and birth don't have to be experienced to start this process.  I think of couples I know who can't have children.  What kind of molding is going on with them?  What kind of tests are they facing of their own that chips off those selfish ideas within us?  The same goes for those who are trying to adopt.  The fact is, all these things start the process of ridding ourselves of selfish thoughts or desires.  I think it is really up to us to utilize these times to become the mothers we can become.  

I think most people will tell you that by successfully navagating these waters, they have developed love and knowledge which can then be passed down to our children.  Yes, even the pains and difficulties of labor can develop these virtues.  

Of course this is just the beginning.  We continue throughout motherhood to develop these ideals and pass them on to our children.  And hopefully at the end of it all, our love and knowlege will help to define their own love and knowledge in a path that never ends.

*You can find this quote at http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=43960909365&topic=6952

Change

I don't know too many moms who don't feel guilty about how they are mothering. The problem is, we do make mistakes. It's hard to get over that and feel like you haven't completely destroyed your child's life. It starts as early as pregnancy. Am I eating right? I can't quit smoking. Should I exercise? Am I exercising too much? It just goes on...should I get an epidural? milk or formula? How do I discipline a screaming 4 year old? Is is right to keep my teenager locked up in her room:)? We all have to go through some big decisions. Yet I find hope in the fact that even if I make mistakes, I can change. That while I must face bad decisions have previously made, I can improve.

There is an amazing thing to me about the infants circulation. In utero, the circulation to the lungs is mainly bypassed. There is no need for the lungs to oxygenate the body at this time. There are ducts and holes in the heart to make this possible. After birth the pressures of the birthing process and the first breath of air, change all that. It literally is quite a miracle to me how the circulation then changes to begin the process of oxygenating the body away from the mother. That the pressures and change in environment and bring about such great changes in the baby serves as a teaching point for me. Just as a baby is born with the necessary functions needed to change their heart. So are we.

Improvement and change is at the core of who we are as human beings. As mothers we need to recognize this. Remember the amazing process we went through at birth and that we can continue that same process. Mistakes will be made, but they need not hinder us from improving ourselves as women and mothers.